Lemon, do you know what the kidney does?
Of course, I was a kidney in my fifth grade school play.
# Oh, I'm the kidney...?
The other kidney is singing now.
Milton needs a kidney.
Milton, as in your dad?
My dad? I don't know this guy.
Professor Milton Greene, who's writing
a three-volume biography of Jimmy Carter
and if I give him a kidney, he could live to finish it.
So, what are you going to do?
I don't know. He's too old for the waiting lists.
And since Giuliani left, it's gotten tougher to harvest hobo organs.
So it's up to me and I don't want to be a match.
It's too much.
Does that make me a bad person? - Of course not.
This is really hard. I need your help.
# The brain helps you make decisions...?
Okay.
# And your colon pushes out...?
Okay, that's not... helpful.
Sorry.
So, NBC is making me go on The Vontella Show to promote T.G.S.
Ugh, that show is the worst.
I know, I swore I'd never go on again after that one time.
We get paid to make each other laugh.
Jenna, meet your half-sister, Courtney!
Give me my money, you bitch!
Never!
They want me to go on as a relationship expert
because of the "Dealbreakers" sketch.
And since you're the face of "Dealbreakers"
you're going with me.
What? No, come on.
I thought you wanted the attention.
Yeah, but not like that. Remember the other time you were on?
And I was all like, "talk to the hand."
Jenna, come on out!
You give me back my man, bitch!
Never!
Can't we just keep doing magazines?
I will see you on Vontella, Liz.
Now, kidney transplantation is no laughing matter.
So, I apologize.
"Kidney" is just such a funny word.
How long is this going to take, Leo?
Uh... well, this is the consent form
for the tests today.
This is incorrect, doctor. I'm not giving him a kidney.
It's the other way around.
Oh, brother... are you sure?
If anyone is giving anyone a kidney at all. Who knows?
You know what?
I'll just remember that it's the opposite of what these say.
I'd really be more comfortable if you rewrote the form.
No, I'll remember.
Opposite, opposite, opposite.
Okay, but you're clear that he's giving a kidney to me.
I really think you're jumping the gun here.
We don't even know if we're a match.
So, you shouldn't assume that you're going to get my kidney.
No, of course, no, I'm sorry.
It's just that, without a kidney, I'm gonna die.
I think it's the hard "K" sound that's making me giggle.
Kidney.
Mr. Jordan, exciting news.
Your old high school wants you to speak at graduation.
And they said you can drop up to five "f-bombs."
Not interested.
Why not?
Because Frank Lucas High School was a hellhole.
Grizz knows, he was there.
A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school.
He wanted me to find a snitch called Baby.
Campbell wanted me to cut him open.
Oh, my, that's very urban.
I wouldn't do it. I dropped out.
And I vowed never to go back to that place.
Campbell was actually Mr. Campbell,
his science teacher.
His science teacher was a drug dealer?
That's terrible.
Science was my most favorite subject
especially the Old Testament.
He wasn't a drug dealer.
Tracy dropped out of high school because
Mr. Campbell wanted him to dissect a frog.
Tracy couldn't do it.
He cried in front of the whole class.
It was bad, I had to deny ever being friends with him.
Just like Peter did to Jesus in Science.
If your boyfriend calls out his brother's name during sex...
that's a dealbreaker, ladies!
That skit was crazy!
That actually happened to Liz.
Vontella don't care who Liz is.
Jenna? We have a surprise for you.
I swear to God, Courtney, I will rip your wig off.
No, honey, Courtney's dead.
You are going to answer
our audience's relationship questions!
Yes!
This guy I'm dating owns a tanning salon, but he won't let me tan for free
but he lets girls that he's friends with tan for free
so I go to this other tanning salon down the street to try to not make it a thing.
But you know how there's no secrets in the tanning salon community?
So what should I do?
Um...
I don't know.
Liz?
Oh, boy. Well, whatever that just was, it's a dealbreaker
because this guy is making you talk like a crazy person.
You have sexually-transmitted crazy mouth. Dealbreaker.
My fiancé and I keep arguing about our wedding plans, and...
Nope, your fiancé's gay.
Look at him. Look at you.
Classic case of "fruit blindness."
"Fruit blindness"?
Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman?
Uh... one time in college.
And a lot since then.
All right!
My boyfriend has been acting really weird ever since
he got promoted at his job.
Yeah, he thinks he deserves a "va-jay-jay upgrade."
He doesn't, he's not Tom Brady. Shut it down. Dealbreaker.
Yes, Yes!
Yeah, there's no such thing as bisexual.
That's just something they invented in the '90s to sell hair products. Dealbreaker.
Only one snake in the bed. Dealbreaker.
Yes!
I think you guys are going to make it.
Aww...
Mr. Jordan?
I know Mr. Campbell wasn't a drug dealer.
Yes, he was.
I know he was your science teacher.
No, he wasn't.
And I know he didn't ask you to cut up Baby, he asked you to cut up a frog.
What frog?
And I know you couldn't do it. And you cried.
When have I ever cried?
And that's why you left school, because you were ashamed.
It's true! There is no Baby!
I was chicken! I was chicken!
A guy crying about a chicken and a baby? I thought this was a comedy show.
Listen, you know how
I can get to Jack Donaghy's office?
Uh, yes, sir, 52nd floor.
Mr. Jordan...
I understand how hard that must have been, but it was so long ago.
You can't understand, Ken.
Where I come from, street cred is everything.
That's why, when I left that school in shame
I vowed never to cry again, and I never have!
Um...
Don't die! I love you, Jack!
A Diet Slice and some pita chips.
I don't want to be here! I don't like it here!
I'm just calling y'all a bunch of racists.
We're not really best friends, we're just good friends.
I was chicken! I was chicken!
I'm never going back to
Frank Lucas High School to be reminded of my greatest failure.
Mr. Jordan, I think it's sad that you're still ashamed of that kid.
That kid is you.
Uh-unh, I've changed, Ken
into a bad-ass adult.
I have a wolf dog, I have two bad knees
and a gun...
that I lost.
Milton, are you going somewhere?
I have to get back to Bennington.
I owe my publishers a chapter of "From Peanut to President."
But before I go
I think we should talk about the other day.
Milton, the Donaghys do not talk.
We let things fester until they erupt in inappropriate anger
preferably during a wedding or elementary school graduation.
Well, the Greenes are talkers. And huggers.
I'm sorry, Jack.
I should never have put you in this position.
Or this one.
Look, I don't want a kidney from you.
All I want is to make up for lost time.
Can I come back next week?
Sure, okay. We can go to a Yankee game.
I have great seats in the section between
the players' wives and players' mistresses. But I don't go on Bat Day.
So my son likes baseball.
You know, there's a great sports memorabilia store on Third Avenue.
Remember Carlton Fisk's home run in the '75 Series?
That's this ball?
No, that's a ball he fouled off in the third inning.
Huh.
No, I want you to have it.
Oh, Milton, that's too generous.
No, I insist, for bringing me into your life.
Well, I... I can't.
Jack, we're having a catch.
Don't ruin it, Milton.
Just like Jimmy and Chip Carter.
Did you hear what I said?
This is great. Whoa!
Damn, "K," you know who that was?
I don't, sir. Do you?
I grew up with that guy.
He was the baddest gangster in my class.
We called him Mean Steve, but his real name was Steven Killer.
Does seeing him in this menial job make you think about anything?
Well, if a bad-ass O.G. Iike that
could get stuck delivering food, how did I get out?
Because you're not a bad-bleep O.G. You're a sensitive artist.
You're different.
And isn't that a message those kids at your old high school should hear?
You're right, Ken, they should.
Five "f-bombs," right?
Hello?
Jack, it's Leo.
I got the, uh, results of your blood work back.
Right? Yes? And?
Well, cytotoxic cross match of target H.L.A. resulted in lyses of cells.
Now, Jack, in layman's terms... what do you think that means?
I don't know.
Could I give this guy a kidney or not?
Due to negative blood tissue match, transplantation is not recommended.
Damn it, is this written in Greek?
It means we're not a match.
Oh, sorry.
I was really looking forward to putting your father's kidney in you.
The other way around, Leo.
That's not what these forms say.
Lemon...
I'm getting Milton Greene a kidney.
You're a match? - No, I'm not.
Then where are you going to get a kidney from?
I don't know...
but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal.
The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for
Barack Obama and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina.
I'm going to use that to find my dad a kidney.
You should do a celebrity concert like that gig I did to benefit old gays.
Yes, a benefit concert.
Like "We Are the World" or Weird Al Yankovic's
Iess successful parody benefit, "We Are the Pizza."
Tell Pete to start building a set.
Wait a minute, we have to do this?
Uh, well, you found a way to do your day job
and be on Vontella. Great job, by the way.
I haven't seen that many riled-up dirt bags
since CVS put the cold medicine behind the counter.
Well, they want me to go back on Vontella, actually.
But I'm not sure
I'm qualified to give relationship advice.
You're not. Suburban seventh graders have more sexual experience than you do
but that doesn't matter.
Right, because I'm helping people.
No, you're helping yourself.
So, make the most of this opportunity.
After all, how many years does T.G.S. have left?
I don't know... 20?
What do you think this is, Wings?
You've got two more years, at best.
Lemon, this is what I've been trying to tell you
since I first met you. Life is short.
You've got to get out there and get yours.
Get yours... I like that.
Can I use that as one of my catch-phrases?
Uh, sorry, Leo Spaceman's using it as the title of his new sex book for couples.
Oh. Oh.
Mary...
uh, Elvis...
Mr. Aiken.
Thank you all for coming here on such short notice.
No problem, I just had my driver drop me off.
So how come I saw you getting off the subway?
What were you doing down there?
Uh, okay.
I asked the three of you to be here because
you are all deeply committed to charity work.
My Mary J. Blige Foundation is celebrating its 10th year
of searching for the Loch Ness Monster.
Well, musicians have banded together before - world hunger
the collapse of the American farm, global warming...
and, uh... you're 0 for 3, guys.
I am disappointed in us as a group.
How about a problem...
you can solve? One song. One man. One kidney.
Let me get this straight.
You want us to do a charity concert for one guy?
Elvis, haven't you said that if a song reaches just one person, you've done your job?
No, I've never said that.
Fine. Listen, the man who needs the kidney is my father.
We just met, and I don't want to lose him before I get a chance to know him.
Please...
I'm asking for your help.
Okay, let's cut to the chase. M. J., you owe me.
Who got you out of a 20-year exclusive performance contract at SeaWorld?
Aiken, your cousin, Kenneth Parcell, already promised me you'd do this.
And Elvis, or should I say, Declan McManus...
international art thief...
Okay, Jack Donaghy, you tumbled me. We'll do it.
Also, you have a ton of interview requests.
And they want you on the seventh hour
of the Today show tomorrow morning.
Tell them all yes.
I'm getting mine, Cerie.
Also, Pete and Tracy's wives are in your office.
Paula is Pete's wife
and Angie is the black one and...
Okay, Cerie, I got it.
Dr. Liz, we need some advice from the dealbreaker lady.
I don't know if that's a good idea. I know you, and I know your husbands...
I just found out Tracy has a secret credit card I didn't know anything about.
Not on my watch, biotch.
And he's been using that credit card to pay for a hotel room
here in New York two days a week.
"S" that "D." Shut it down. Dealbreaker.
Paula.
Pete is refusing to drive to my parents' place for just two weeks of family vacation.
No to the way to the Jose.
But, Paula, talk it out before you walk it out.
And I'm here in New York while he's back in Hooglanderveen.
Long distance is the wrong distance, Sue. Dealbreaker.
Mickey Rourke wants to take me camping.
Dealbreaker, Jenna, God.
I haven't seen my fiancé in seven months.
Cerie, I have two words for you: robot warning.
Okay, that catch-phrase needs a little work. Dealbreaker!
Teach it like you preach it, Liz Lemon!
I almost didn't make it here this afternoon.
But then, a very special friend of mine showed me the way.
So, I'd like to take a moment to thank
Victor Cordova from the Sunoco station on Lenox Avenue.
But there's another reason why
I almost didn't come today... fear.
Fear of letting people know the real me.
I have but one thing to say to all of you.
Be yourself.
And I'm talking to you clearly, gay kid.
Who told?
And you, white kid just trying to go unnoticed.
Aw, come on.
Just be yourself. And I guarantee you, every single person
in this room
will one day be President of the United States.
Thank you.
Tracy? Before you go, I have a special surprise for you.
Okay, but I'm allergic to horses.
It is my pleasure to award you this honorary diploma.
Congratulations.
Take a breath, Mr. Jordan.
Who wants my autograph?
So you can see how important this is to me. Are you in?
Uh, I'm in. I think it will be fun.
I actually played a kidney in my fifth grade school play... with this loser.
I'm in, but when Costello's not looking
I'm going to punch him in the back of the head.
Fair enough.
Hey, Jack...
are you doing my musical benefit idea? Because I'd love to be...
Uh, no, it didn't work out.
Jenna, you know my European friends, uh, Rokus and, uh, Shandelay.
Hello.
Pleased to meet.
Thank you.
Cerie, I'm going out for a couple of hours.
Okay, I'll just, um...
I'm meeting a book agent about writing a dealbreaker book.
He's gonna take me to lunch wherever I want to go.
Do you know if there's a sit-down Quizno's in Midtown?
Never mind.
Liz Lemon, you dumb bitch.
What?
Here's the reason I don't want to go on that family vacation.
It's a working farm
and I'm the only one
whose hands are big enough to guide the bull during mating.
Yeah, well... dealbreaker.
Shut up!
There you are, you stupid cracker.
You know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace.
No kids banging on the door.
No phones ringing. It's my time...
every Tuesday and Thursday at 3:00 P.M.!
I don't know why I only go twice a week.
That's what Angie should be worried about!
You've gotta stop giving advice.
You don't know what you're talking about.
No, I'm not stopping. I'm gonna write a book.
I have to. This is my next step.
What are you talking about?
This job isn't going to last forever, Pete.
T.G.S. has two years left, tops.
Pete, how am I going to live?
I only have $300 million.
This... this is crazy, Jack.
I've never seen anything like this.
And I was at "We Are the Pizza."
Well, I thought I had to do something.
Once I found that I wasn't a match, I felt like I'd let you down.
You couldn't let me down, Jack.
Get a room! - Yeah, get a room.
A high school graduate.
Do you know what this means? Grizz, Dotcom, Ken?
We're going to college!
And so began the craziest summer of my life.
How'd you say that without moving your mouth?
Say what?
Lemon, how are you?
You know what?
I'm good. I got a book deal, a free sandwich in my pocket
and I have this weird loose feeling in my shoulders.
What is that?
It's either happiness or osteoporosis.
I think it's happiness.
You're getting yours.
Jack, what have you done?
I called in every favor I had. He's my dad, Liz.
Oh, my God! Sheryl Crow!
We were best friends in elementary school.
Hi, Sheryl.
We're live in three...
I'll talk to her later.
# Sometimes life brings pain and strife?
# And all seems wrong?
# That is when you find a friend and write a song?
# So give the gift of giving?
# Give it far and give it wide?
# Take a leap, reach down deep inside?
# And just give a kidney?
# To a father or a dad?
# Just give a kidney?
# Oh?
# We hear it doesn't really hurt that bad?
# And we know you'll want to give it?
# To a super human being?
# So get it done?
# We just need one?
# For Milton Greene?
# This country has 600 million kidneys?
# And we really only need half?
# That leaves about 300 million kidneys?
# Do the math?
# Oh, Milton Greene, Milton Greene?
# Milton Greene, Milton Greene, Milton Greene?
# He needs a kidney?
# Milton Greene, don't ask why, he could die?
# If you don't call today?
Listen, when someone starts talking in the middle of a song
you know it's serious.
So, give Milton a kidney.
We all believe in this cause so much that we're doing it for free...
except for Sheryl.
That's right, I'm the only one getting paid.
And only three of us are drunk.
Milton Greene needs a kidney, just like I need this beard.
You don't want to know what's under here.
And while you don't have two beards, you do have two kidneys.
if I had $2, I'd give you one. Wouldn't I?
I'm one of the drunk ones.
# They say that two is better than one?
# But sometimes one is better than two?
# If you had two heads, you'd wish you had one?
# How is this different?
# If you had two dogs attacking you, you'd want just one?
# There, we proved a point?
# Oh, Milton Greene, Milton Greene?
# Milton Greene, Milton Greene, Milton Greene?
# He needs a kidney?
# Milton Greene, don't ask why, he could die?
# If you don't call today?
# He needs a kidney?
# No, he doesn't need a hand?
# He just needs a kidney?
# A hand would be an even harder thing to give?
# If you can give a kidney?
We sure had quite a year.
What are you talking about? It's May.
Shh.
# Do some good
# We pass the cup
# We stitch it up
# We do some good?
# Yeah, yeah?
# We pass the cup?
# And stitch it up
# We do some good?
# Oh, yeah?
Yeah, that's good.